Emotional Regulation Strategies for Children with Autism: A Practical Guide for Parents
Guest Post by Ruth Prystash, Autism Specialist & Advocate, in Collaboration with Autism Moving Forward and Lakeshore Learning, as Part of Behavior Frontiers’ Bright Futures Series
When the term regulation first gained broader use, it offered more than a new therapeutic concept—it was an ah-ha moment for many of us. It gave families and professionals language for something many had observed in children but didn’t always know how to describe (often referred to as meltdowns, outbursts, tantrums, or behavioral episodes). Emotional regulation is a skill that helps all human beings manage life’s ups and downs, no matter their age or background. For children with autism, learning to recognize and respond to internal emotional states can be especially valuable in navigating daily environments more comfortably and successfully.
This guide focuses on emotional regulation strategies for children with autism, though these tools and concepts can be beneficial for all children as they grow and develop.
What is Emotional Regulation?
Watching a child struggle with big emotions is difficult. And it has you wondering how to help them find their footing (and honestly, just get through the day).
In the past, we called these “big emotions” meltdowns, outbursts, tantrums, or behavioral episodes, but now we have better language to describe it. Now, we use the term “regulation,” which allows many parents and professionals to have this “ah-ha” moment. Now, you have the language to describe what’s actually happening with your child.
But learning how to regulate your emotions isn’t really a problem to “fix.” It’s an ongoing path to travel, and over time, your child gets better at navigating it. Along the way, your child gains new knowledge, skills, and tools to help them make their world more comfortable and less overwhelming.
This guide focuses on emotional regulation strategies for children with autism, though these tools and concepts can be beneficial for all children as they grow and develop.
What Is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation refers to the ability to manage big feelings and behaviors in response to internal or external events. Many of us naturally use strategies such as soothing repetitive movements, routine-based coping, or internal monitoring to stay balanced throughout the day.
However, when these strategies aren't enough, our stress can take over, leading us to feel overwhelmed. This is dysregulation, the state where we lose the ability to think and communicate clearly.
Triggers that cause dysregulation can be:
Unforeseen events
Unexpected changes
Sensory overload
Hunger
Fatigue
Triggers that cause emotional dysregulation.
Emotional dysregulation happens in the corners and crevices of everyday life. While it can be one event that causes it, it can be a combination of things that reach a tipping point.
It could be a simple situation like this: One minute, your child is happily playing with blocks, and then someone knocks over their tower. The next minute, they’re on the floor having big emotions for everyone to hear. And that’s dysregulation.
What Does Dysregulation Look Like in Autism?
We all use emotional regulation to help us ride out life's rollercoaster. As adults, we use strategies we've acquired over time, such as taking a nap, using self-talk, intentional breathing, or checking our phones to stay organized.
Children, on the other hand, are still learning these strategies. When children get dysregulated (especially neurodivergent children), emotions can feel intense and all-consuming.
But all behavior is information you can use to understand your child better. So, when you see your child covering their ears in a crowded store or repeating phrases from a favorite video, they're communicating something about their internal state. These are often signs of dysregulation, not misbehavior.
All behavior is information.
Helping children with autism build regulation skills can empower them to feel more secure and better equipped to thrive at home, school, and beyond.
How to Help Your Child Build Emotional Regulation Skills
Step 1: Identifying Emotional States
The first step is helping your child notice how they feel. While that may sound simple, identifying internal states (especially subtle shifts) can be challenging for many children with autism.
A helpful tool to support this process is an emotional scale, like the Wave Watch Scale in the book How to Surf the Waves by Tracey DeMaria. These scales use images, colors, or numbers to represent the intensity of emotions. Rather than asking a child to select a word to describe their emotions, these visuals allow them to identify how they're feeling by comparing emotional states. Videos or books like Lakeshore's Theo's Mood Storytelling Kit can also help children identify how they are feeling.
Step 2: Introducing Regulation Tools
Once a child can recognize how they're feeling (whether calm, stressed, or beginning to feel unsettled), you can introduce regulation tools that help restore balance.
For example, suppose a child's tablet suddenly powers off. They begin breathing quickly, rocking, or scripting video dialogue.
Help the child identify their current state, then present them with choices of regulation tools:
Listening to their favorite music
Using a fidget toy
Going to a calming area
Playing with sensory sand or water
Using a visual timer to count down the minutes
Afterwards, check in with the emotion scale and see if the tools are helping.
Step 3: Building a Personalized Toolbox
Children with autism may need some support in discovering which regulation tools work best for them. Some helpful tools and strategies include:
Sensory tools - Headphones, swings, bouncing on a ball, weighted lap pads, or movement breaks
Cognitive supports - Self-talk scripts, visual timers, first/then visuals, or warnings about transitions
Communication strategies - Asking for help, requesting a break, or letting someone know how they feel
Creative tools - Drawing, journaling, music, or quiet spaces
Some neurodivergent children may use repetitive behaviors like hand-flapping, rocking, or pacing to help regulate their sensory or emotional state. While these may look unfamiliar to others, they are self-regulatory and are not harmful.
Steps to build emotional regulation skills.
What Parents Should Do in the Moment
Many parents make this mistake: when your child is dysregulated, your instinct is to use this as a teaching moment. This typically won’t help. At the peak of dysregulation, their brain isn't in a place to learn.
Here's what to do instead:
Stay calm - Your child is looking to you to co-regulate. If you're calm, it helps them feel safer.
Reduce language - Long explanations can feel overwhelming. Keep it simple: "I'm here. You're safe."
Offer familiar tools - Present regulation tools your child has used before - don't introduce something brand new in a crisis moment.
Save the “teaching moment” for later - Later on, when your child is calm and ready to process, have a conversation with them about it.
How Emotional Regulation Skills Develop Over Time
Being aware of their emotional state and understanding how to use regulation tools are powerful skills for a child. But learning emotional regulation takes time and consistent practice. Modeling strategies, practicing together during calm moments, and offering gentle coaching are all ways you can support them.
Emotional regulation develops gradually, depending on age, support, and environment. Progress looks like shorter times of dysregulation, quicker recovery, and more communication before they're completely overwhelmed.
The goal over time is for children to use these tools with increasing independence.
Here are three key steps:
Notice signs early - Pay attention to behavior and body language that signal rising stress.
Label what's happening - Use visuals or simple words to help name the emotion.
Offer helpful tools - Introduce familiar strategies the child has responded to in the past.
We Can Help Your Child Learn to Regulate
Think of regulation like riding a bike. If you lean too much one way, you tip over. But with the right balance and support, you can move forward smoothly. It’s the same process as when your child learns to regulate their emotions.
If you've made it this far, you care deeply about helping your child navigate their emotions. That matters more than you know. Building emotional regulation skills is an ongoing path to travel, not a one-and-done destination. There will be hard days, but that doesn't mean you're failing.
At Behavior Frontiers, we're here to walk alongside you with individualized care, evidence-based support, and a team that gets it. We can help your child identify their emotions, build a toolbox of strategies, and help them use these skills independently.
Ready to take the first step towards ABA therapy? Reach out to us to get started! After a brief intake, you'll be connected with a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) to begin your child's ABA journey and build a growth plan tailored to their unique needs.
Frequently Asked Questions
What causes emotional dysregulation in autism?
Common triggers include sensory overload (loud noises, bright lights, crowded spaces), transitions, communication difficulties, fatigue, and unexpected changes. Understanding your child's specific triggers can help you anticipate and prevent dysregulation before it escalates.
What are the signs that a child with autism is dysregulated?
Watch for physical signs (rapid breathing, clenched fists), behavioral changes (pacing, hand-flapping, rocking, scripting, covering ears), emotional shifts (sudden crying, appearing "checked out"), aggression or self-injury, and withdrawal. Each child's pattern is unique.
At what age do children learn emotional regulation?
Emotional regulation develops over many years, and the timeline varies widely. For children with autism, the timeline may look different due to developmental differences, communication challenges, and sensory sensitivities. But it can be taught and practiced at any age.
Can ABA therapy help with emotional regulation?
Yes. At Behavior Frontiers, our BCBAs work with families to identify triggers, teach children to recognize and label emotions, introduce personalized regulation tools, build communication skills, and support parents with coaching and strategies to use at home.
Is it okay for my child to stim (rocking, flapping)?
Yes. Stimming is a natural and important way many children with autism regulate their sensory and emotional experiences. It shouldn't be discouraged simply because it looks different. The only time stimming might need redirection is if it's causing harm or significantly interfering with learning.
What if nothing seems to help them while they're dysregulated?
Keep them safe and wait for the storm to pass. Let it run its course, then reflect later on triggers and patterns. If dysregulation is frequent or intense, reach out to us and connect with a BCBA. You don't have to figure this out alone.
About the Author
Ruth Prystash is a long-time autism specialist and parent trainer, and a passionate advocate for neurodivergent children and their families. She also is a writer and co-owner of Autism Moving Forward, a resource company for neurodivergent individuals that believes in treating people with respect and the importance of having fun!