Teenagers with Autism Series: Building a Positive Relationship

Parenting a teenager can definitely be scary. When you add autism into the mix, it can be even more worrisome. What do you need to do to make sure that your teen can function and be safe once they go out into the world? How can you help them to nourish their natural gifts so that they can enjoy that life once they get there? And what can you do to get through these teenage years with your sanity intact?

In this series of blogs, we will focus on suggestions for parents of teenagers on the autism spectrum. I speak, not just as a clinician and Board Certified Behavior Analyst, but also as the parent of two teenagers with ASD. In the first article of this series, we will look at ways to create a positive relationship with your teenager, so that you can both enjoy and make the most of your time together.

I know that we all have questions about how to parent a teenager: how are we going to make it through these teenage years? Will we have our sanity at the end of the road? What can I do to set up my kids for success? What if my kid gets bullied? Will they have friends? And most importantly, will our kids end up being productive adults?

These are all questions that parents ask themselves every day; these questions are the ones that keep us up late at night. This is especially true when you have a child with special needs, since as parents we tend to worry more about this topic. We are so worried about setting up our teens for success that we forget to enjoy the moment. As a parent with two teens with ASD, these are the things I have found to work to help build a positive and open relationship:

• Find Common Ground: Find something that you guys can connect on, a common interest. This could be silly, this could be quirky, but it doesn’t really matter what exactly that thing is. The point is just that it helps you build a connection with your teen. Some possible ideas are music, movies, or video games that you both enjoy. The goal here is just to get into their world by finding something that you can enjoy together to begin building a positive relationship.
• Use Common Ground to Open a Dialogue: I feel that the only way that I have made it as far as I have with my teenagers with autism is by setting up a common interest to get the dialogue going. With my son, we found out that we have preferred music genres in common; this made it so much easier to build a relationship of trust and allowed us to both feel comfortable discussing more challenging or difficult topics, such as sexuality, drug use, and socialization. We have created a relationship where he feels comfortable enough to ask questions about dating and girls, and even disclose things I never thought he would be comfortable talking to me about.
• Create a “No Judgement Zone”: I make sure that when my teens come to me with questions or stories, they know that I won’t judge them for their questions or issues. Of course, I cannot stop being a parent, so I will have to scold them at times, but at least we are able to hold a dialogue to help guide them to make good decisions.

I am no longer scared of teenage years, because I feel better in knowing that my kids and I have a relationship where we can both communicate with each other. I hope you can use these tips to find a common ground and start the dialogue and relationship building with your teens.

Elizabeth Gudiel, M.A., BCBA
Clinical Director, Salt Lake City, UT
Tuesday, June 8, 2021